A
Millers Mail
Emails from Anthony
|
It
has become apparent to the upper (and lower) echelons of the Pear Shaped Comedy
Empire that the public (whom we at Pear Shaped have EDITED respect for)
deserves to know just how the EDITED company operates. This
is a clear and open statement of the EDITED correspondence that has taken
place over the last six months between Managing Director Mr EDITED Miller and
Pear Shaped CEO Mr EDITED Damage during the forced absence of the said Mr
Damage who has been exiled in the Antipodes. Mr
Miller feels that in the interests of clarity and for blame shifting
purposes, all correspondence between he and Mr Damage and Krysstal (his
glamorous plaything) should be published for all to see that any Pear Shaped
events or lack of Pear Shaped events are in no way the responsibility of he
(Mr Miller) or indeed (Mr Belgrave) or even Mr James Beau (who has recently
been terminally ill) due to Pear Shaped pressures incurred by the necessity
to be funny at regular intervals.
Mr Damage These
emails are EXACTLY as written by Mr EDITED MILLER. Pear Shaped does NOT believe in EDITED censorship. This EDITED
document is reproduced in EDITED full to demonstrate that the Pear Shaped
Comedy Empire is built entirely on EDITED democratic EDITED principles and
EDITED free speech. It is
our policy at EDITED Shaped to speak our EDITED minds regardless of the EDITED
consequences. Like Saddam Hussein we have nothing to hide. And like Messrs
Bush, Blair & Howard we aim to tell the truth, the EDITED truth and
nothing but the EDITED truth. |
|
11/11/04
9:43 AM Actually,
I've just left a message on voicemail saying we're not booking Wibbley
Wobbley and stating that if people want a gig they can email you and
conveniently no one's left any messages except one poor exasperated soul who
sounded like he was desperate for a gig (someone Rates) so I SMS TXT messaged
him back your email. I've
discovered you can TXT message UK mobiles for free on http://www.cbfsms.com [the Pear phone
doesn't TXT message?!?] So
anyway ... by both these methods ... I
don't think I'll answer the phone at all unless I feel lonely.. and the
luddites can adapt. Had
an email from Karen Cockfield asking for gigs: EDITED
so I sent
her your email but if you email her you might be able to get her to do a spot
which would be nice because I like girls and she's funny. Dynamite,
Dave Ward & PJ turned up last night while I was at the Cafˇ - I'm hoping
to get them together at the same time with Jago and see if I can start a
fight. Sabrina
tried to tell me that Martin Davis isn't hilarious?!? - how deluded can you
get??! |
Mr Miller
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|
Mr Belgrave
|
11/18/04 5:08 PM
Steve
Hall was wonderful. EDITED....? Loads
of people didn't turn up so we put 4 acts on the first half and let them do
10s
Andrew
O'Neill did a good job opening and then it sort of went downhill... Had an
early interval and then the whole open mike circuit turned up wanting a gig
so I put them all on.
Ridiculous
when people like Russell Kane are asking for a spot and I say February/March
and half the people who are meant to be there can't be arsed to turn up
anyway. We
had a real audience too! I
hate that - an audience with no acts.
Acts with no audience I can cope with .... that's ideal. They
were well peed off by half time (as was I) ...but the second half was good. I
may ask Jo if I can txt her for some of her opens if we're short on the night
as this is ridiculous. EDITED Think
the footy was on... And
there's always Alan Wilde...
I
quite liked EDITED - Belgrave didn't but then like Sabrina he has some funny
ideas and doesn't connect the sound of laughter coming from the audience with
the concept of funniness without first passing it through the prism of
personal taste. Oh
yes, and a nice girl kissed me. Alan
Wilde is going on holiday to Amsterdam with Ivan! I will update you on the hilarious
consequences of this. |
|
12/1/04
1:37 PM Been
going alright... Jimbo and Belgrave have the week off this week... so I'm
trying out John Mawer as Belgrave (Belgrave's idea)... couldn't face EDITED
again Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Um. Oh
yes, I managed to burn the plastic on the bar with the lamp but we got away
with it I think... Enough
punters turning up ...acts still erratic. Had a
grovel to EDITED and she said we can borrow some of her acts if need be...
mind you this was more for my sexual gratification than out of interest in
the Pear.
Bumped
into Karen Cockfield at the gong show. EDITED I
must do this booking gigs thing more. |
Mr Mawer
|
|
|
12/2/04
2:44 PM Fucking
brilliant last night. Sold
out and they were all up for it.
All the acts were pants but the audience had a riot. They
got a bit rowdy at one point so I put on Mr EDITED who was so boring he actually calmed them down. He
could market himself as Bromide. I think it was our best gig all year. Mr Mawer was fantastic too. No
EDITED... though? Phil
Klein stormed it. Ohhhh.
you remember the blokes in the bed Chobby Nobby Dib-Dab? They
were Alex's "wildcard" - we'll let them do 5 though they're not
funny at the gong. Taken
to putting Ray Presto on 1st and letting him do a 10 if he turns up as he's
fairly mainstream and easy to understand......he's got some new jokes.... I've
just had a fantastic rant on Chortle about sprogs at gigs.... er... P.S.
I've put a security code on the Pear Shaped EDITED |
|
12/9/04
12:18 PM I
promoted Gareth Berliner to headliner who did a wonderful job. Unfortunately
the room was all full of Christmas party people and took me & Belgrave
till 8:20 to clear it. The
bar girl told me last week she'd been spending a lot of time chucking people
out of there then given up... I think it's a winter thing..... the trouble is
once they've bought a pint I can't really just chuck them straight out on the street when there's no seating
upstairs so I've got to give them at least half an hour to drink up which
means getting there by at least 7:45 We
then had 4 people so I said we'd do it for free and then another 12 people
turned up + acts so we ended up with a sort of proper gig but no money ... so
I told Berliner you'd give him a paid spot some other time when there are
actually punters there |
|
|
1/7/05
5:14 PM Belgrave
has gone into semi-retirement & is only going to do about 1-2 weeks a
month from now on [this is only while he is doing his final year exams
...he's up for doing it regularly again in August ... which could be a great
help] .... so ...ermmm. ....I think I've got a replacement in John Mawer (I'm
saving Sabrina for emergencies and my odd weeks off) .... and ....well ..he
seems very good and fits in quite well and doesn't have any major
"personality issues" ... but
the problem is he seems to be having a major career crisis and to be thinking
of chucking it all in ... [I
suppose that's what happens if you spend 3 years talking to EDITED
the-most-boring-woman-on-earth!] so ....er ... I just thought I'd book him a
lot to encourage him! ... He
has been going ages though (on & off) I think... so maybe he just has had enough but I
told him I needed him (which is not a lie) and he said he'd help out if he
could. Mike
"I hope you realise I was shagging when you called " Manera helped
out compereing last week and was spiffing & we had audience and money
& everything.... So
it's not been too bad on the whole. |
|
1/11/05
9:48 AM Mr
EDITED, You
are more than welcome to try and get on the reserve list but I
would point out that you can go annoy other promoters like Romero, Klein,
O'Neill, d'Chapeau ... in fact I don't think there's a member of the open
mike circuit who doesn't have a Wednesday gig just down the road from me
these days so spread yourself around. I
will post on the board/let you know if and when I need anyone but for
logistical reasons it is first-come-first-served. No.
No cancelations yet. However,
it is still only tuesday morning ... give them time. Mr
Miller P.S.
"In return I will buy you beers". In return for what? I am giving
you nothing. |
|
1/13/05
4:12 PM Is it
me or the acts or are the bookings getting muddled up or are they trying to
bullshit me... Victor Boom turned up last night and told me you'd booked him
and I can't think he's so ambitious as to blag his way on ... and he's not
the only one. Whole
load of them were just walking across Jimbo compering last night to ask me
when they were going on so I told them all to fuck off... EDITED
(I think) told me to fuck off back ... and
much hilarity ensued and he sodded off and then I thought ... does
he think he's down for this week too...? ..but
other than that it was good night ..... chobby
nobby txted to say they were ill... one day they'll actually be able to make
it.... Anyway
the point is ... who's booked for February onwards? I
have your list but it seems to have quite a few gaps in it ... I
want to have an authorative list so I can tell 'em all to get a life Got a
lot of people turning up on spec too... Oh
yeah, ...got a phone call from El Nino who's not been round for ages saying
he'll turn up...which will be nice as I think the man from FACT might have
been round as they wont play piped musak in the pub any more. Mr
Mawer is working out very well. Oh
and there's a couple of media students who are obsessed with filming the pear
keep coming down. I told them no one wants the experience recorded but they
kept on so I said they should discuss it with you when you come back in May. I'm
not having a film crew ... EDITED
has come back from Brazil and is stalking EDITED 1/20/05
10:06 AM I was
ill too with tonsilitis ...so left Sabrina in charge |
|
2/2/05
2:28 PM Someone's
just posted on Chortle that Malcolm Hardee is Dead? 2/3/05
7:05 AM Anthony Thanks
for letting me know That's
the worst news I've had in a long time Cheers Brian |
|
2/9/05
1:40 PM I am
in Henley dealing with EDITED's designs to own Iraq so
Dave D is looking after the Pear this week. I
will be along to help him though ......just not sure when... Jimbo
has had some kind of turn and been sent to hospital ... they
don't know what's wrong with him but he collapsed last night Will
keep u posted 2/10/05
10:35 AM EDITED My
office is being dehumidified at the moment – the
air conditioning in EDITED broke and 15 floors of acidic water fell on it. Apart
from that things are fine. 2/11/05
9:39 AM I had
a talk with Jimbo and he doesn't seem to be suffering any cognitive damage at
all. Seems
the Casualty doctors got it wrong - he hasn't had a stroke. He'd
had a cold and this had become an inner ear infection due
to the fact that he never cleans his ears and that had been causing him to
lose balance and coordination so I
suppose the moral is clean your ears.
Anyway
he's having them syringed. EDITED 2/17/05
6:02 PM Well,
Andy Laud turned up ...Danielle Ward cancelled ... No
sign of EDITED Haven't seen EDITED in ages... EDITED was headhunted by
EDITED then told me he didn't
know he was booked... ...but
we had enough acts. Think
I'm getting a bit Malcolm Hardee in my compereing although
I don't slag the acts off before they go on ... still
it is sort of turning into the Anthony Miller show... I've
invented a 125 history of the Pear Shaped about how Charlie Chaplin came down
and was so impressed he decided to become famous in a silent medium. Made
a bit of dosh this week (5 punters) ... up on
the last two weeks where we've more or less had no one ... was
okay till the end on January then 1st week in Feb all the pubs emptied and
we've only had one or two. Hasn't
helped having Jimbo out of action - not that it would've helped that much as
there's been no one upstairs to pester but at least we haven't actually
cancelled. And
most of the opens turn up and we get a lot of people on spec... I
expect it'll pick up next week. Am
swapping the comperes round a lot to avoid general dissillusionment in the
adult population. Asked
Henning the German to do a couple of weeks so with John, Mike & Sabrina
we should be okay. Made
the mistake of going to a EDITED gig in EDITED on monday – as
there's no Wibbly Wobbly Boat
any more - ...... [I'm
not unloved on Valentines Day VERY HEAVILLY EDITED] and
ended up listening to EDITED describe explaining to his EDITED never to shack
up with a EDITED because you don't have any EDITED as a EDITED. He
then told all these stories about his house being full of EDITED posters and
how his EDITED kept saying "But EDITED you won your EDITED...,get over
it!" VERY
HEAVILLY EDITED .... then
to cheer me up EDITED said "You
think these things wont happen to you Anthony, but they will!" and
described in every hideous detail how VERY HEAVILLY EDITED Hum... Oh
well ...lots of real gigs next month ... I'm
thinking of having something of a break from the Pear in May when you come
back as
I've built up this load of other comperes for you .... Also
I'm not going to be about the week of the 8th of June I'm
on a tour of the north. 2/24/05
10:29 AM Real
audience this week. Went
quite well... till at about 10:30 I put
on Erich and he had few lines like "some people think this joke's a bit
sexist but... " and "some people that's racist but..." Then
EDITED goes on after he's stormed it and says: "I
like Erich but he's the most sexist, racist person I've ever met... Ņ so I got out my corner and had a rant
at EDITED VERY EDITED Ho
hum. Still ... didn't go too badly ............. Stupid EDITED. Anyway,
the audience enjoyed it. And
Jimbo didn't fall over. 2/25/05
10:58 AM Oh
yeah ... Becky and Steve came down on Wednesday too. Got
the late night train home 1am on Wednesday .... and
these two people (who I never saw) got in the next carriage up
and were shouting really loudly arguing about "some cunting cunting
cunting fucking bitch" so everyone in my carriage goes quiet and nervous
like we think there's going to be a fight and someone pipes up ... "maybe
if we listen we'll be able to figure out who it's about" so we
listen and listen and this goes on and on and on "bitch" this and
"cunt" that...... until eventually we heard quite clearly "so
I said to Hils Jago that..." and then I was able to explain to everyone
else in the carriage who they were argueing about. Never
did find out who it was though. Also
went round Ivan's house last night to watch the video of his holiday with Mr
Wilde in Amsterdam. EDITED 2/28/05
6:03 PM Bumped
into EDITED on Saturday and I think EDITED's forgiven me ..... it's
like the EDITED microphone thing though - it's not the incident its self it's
the fact you know they're never going to let you forget about it ...... uuurgh..EDITED
stormed EDITEDs though so EDITED seemed quite chirpy... "see
how funny I am when I'm not interupted Anthony..." ..oooh
God ... I'm going to have to rebook EDITED now so EDITED doesn't think I'm
petty......oooooooooooer .... I was
actually there to meet Mr Wilde as James Sherwood had invited us to this
party in Dean Street. So we
slipped away ...not wanting to give away where we were going to the
non-invitees... and bugger me who's there but EDITED & Erich ....? EDITED It
was an absolutely awful party ...in a Nightclub (well,
one of those places that imagines because it's like a Yates wine bar it's fun
to go to) – no balloons ...not even any crisps! Alan
bought 2 bottles of beer at the bar that cost £6.40 ....and people stayed?! Even
the Phoenix is cheaper than that... so we
slunk away to the Tapas bar out the back door... saved 40p ... Alan
Wilde's just got rid of Christian C Dunn after 3 weeks of him sleeping on his
floor... EDITED's
got tonsilitis EDITED
keeps telling me he can't get an erection any more .... and
I've taken a break from EDITED because I'm never going to hear the end of
their EDITED. Have
got Henning compering this week and he's HACKNEY EMPIRE NEW ACT OF THE YEAR
since Sunday ... so I'll be
expecting to receive a cancellation email before Wednesday... Quite
proud of my talent spotting skill though - it's a bit like backing a Horse at
15-1 and it coming out winner. 3/3/05
12:06 PM Little
bit of snow and everyone fucks off.... Oxford Street was like a windy
wasteland so ... Another
lean week at the Pear Shaped... We
only just went ahead with 3 punters... Hardly
any acts ... but then a few had cancelled and I didn't get any more down
because last week I had acts coming out my ears – Some
bloke even accosted me on my way to the gig with "are you Anthony
Miller? Can I have a spot at the
Pear Shaped tonight"? Peter
Tennant was good John Mawer was
masterly Henning & Jimbo
didn't really get to do much as I did't have an interval No
sign of EDITED EDITED EDITED EDITED or
EDITED Phil
Klein only had 4 acts turn up at his gig... Still
....only 7 weeks to go...... P.S.
Due to the man from FACT telling the bar they can't play piped music I
have been playing your CD before the gig in an attempt to generate an
atmosphere and have even had some interest in where purchase copies from the
punters... 3/8/05
9:44 AM See
you've got your emails down to their usual brevity. Had
an email chat with Ince about tomorrow. He
suggested doing the Pear Shaped then going to do his hour at the etcetera
theatre after!? I
told him not to be stupid because it takes a good half an hour to get from
Pear to Camden ... so I'm getting John N to do the headline spot instead. Ince
seemed really up for it though and said he'd pop down any time we wanted him
if he was free. His email's
EDITED so if
one of our other headliners pulls out you might give him a email (or I
might if they contact me or whatever) ...are
Chobby Nobby Dib Dab really doing the 10 on wednesday? ...... this
could prove interesting ... they were the novelty act at the Hackney Empire,
you know? Also
saw EDITED at EDITED's gig and he was superb – he's
got material and everything now and he doesn't look nervous-as-fuck any more
... so I've told him to come down on wednesday as EDITED's pulled out. I
told him you'd book him for a 10 slot too if he got in touch because I think
he's good now and no one else 'll book him. 3/10/05
9:52 AM You
know you booked Robin Hall & Barry Conway ... Malcolm
Hay listed this is Barry Hall and I had a rather irate telephone
communication from Shazia's agent asking what I was doing nicking her acts so
I have sent her an email explaining the cock-up. We
had an audience. We had acts. No EDITED? No EDITED The
audience were lovely Almost
universally the first half died on its arse through lack of jokes and
the audience more or less walked out because they couldn't take the pain. I
don't think I've ever compered such a load of shite! Jesus! Then
in the second half John Newton did a 15 that went quite well and I put all
the mentalists on. Ward,
Coppin & PJ came down ... me
and Belgrave took the piss out of them and we all fucked off down the
Phoenix. I
must congratulate you though that was one of our worst load of acts
ever! Phew! 3/10/05
10:56 AM Thanks
for coming back to us. It's
just that Barrie had a panic and no one could work out who put him on the
bill at Pear Shaped – as we recently had our booker leave and now have
a new one – we didn't know
whether that had been booked in by him and
not written in the diary etc etc etc. Anyway
thanks for clearing it up. Viv 3/14/05
5:15 PM Oh I
had a PM from Del Strain saying he had a cold last week .... ....so
if you've got a number I might ask him to come along another week there's no
one funny on. Erm... Who's
listed for the coming weeks? My
listings have gaps in them. I may
Press-gang a few funny acts down if it looks as er .... frightening as last
week. I
used to put Ray Presto on first for a while but he's "too big" for
the Pear now. 3/24/05
10:27 AM EDITED
couldn't get a babysitter so I put Stephen Weiner on for the 10 (well,
I just let him waffle on as he was quite funny and then bunged him Nina's
money). In a
moment of enthusiasm I said
you'd book him again for a 10 because we need some funny acts. Loads
of punters but they all walked out at half time as they were "too pissed
to cope". Jimbo
was pleased with the cash. Oh,
the other week I forgot that Demetris Deech was headlining and
put him on for a five which turned out to go on for 10 then
slagged him off for over-running but
there were no punters anyway that week but he may be pissed off about it .... 3/31/05
12:40 PM Another
lean week at the Pear ... but Belgrave was chirpy ... .....no
one upstairs for Jimbo to drag down.
To be
honest I'm trying to reduce the number of punters because I'm hoping to hand
over an empty room Cockfield
turned up EDITED and was brilliant. EDITED
obviously knew better Joel
didn't show - he's there every week except the week he's booked? Steve
Archer had transport problems.... which was a huge loss to the night. I
don't know how we struggle through sometimes Oh
and our "regular" - the weird man from St Albans - turned up. Long
Edited Correspondence with someone else.
4/7/05
10:23 AM Audience
this week but they were all cunts. Some
pissed up bird kept heckling everyone but I threatened to physically evict
her and started to and then she quietened down ... ...also
a group of yuppies one of whom said the acts were "anti-semetic" so I
said "look if I wanted to have an argument about politics IÕd have
booked EDITED to compere" The
first half went quite well but
there was one yuppie who was such a pain in the bottom (must
have been coked up) I did
your "here's your fiver back now shove it up your arse" routine and
physically chucked him out leaving his bit of fluff behind... and
that sort of lanced the boil – his
bird didn't like it but I told her to "shut up you bitch" and
that solved that one. Verity
and her EDITED came down and lent us moral support. Two
pissed up fat blokes at the back kept heckling the acts between all the
set-ups and punch lines so Mr
Mawer went and sat next to them and kept saying "shh" and smiling which
un-nerved them into behaving. EDITED
turned up early and told me he was going to try and double up at the Asylum
and Just the Tonic (they've
opened a club in London - commerical suicide or what?) but
he couldn't make it to the Pear in the end ... still
no one noticed there was no headliner. I
think the EDITED Éthat's what Carlin told me anyway EDITED
did the 10 as a replacement for John becoming compere and ...er ...died on
EDITED arse (which is unusual) but I gave here a fiver and told her not to
worry... ..EDITED
keeps telling me she wants my babies and asking me out... The
acts were really good but the audience were just cunts so to
finish we played "BUNCH OF CUNTS" at full volume and I think they
got the message 4/14/05
2:04 PM Not
bad this week. 6
punters...expanding to 8 ... We
had a laugh... and some of them even wanted to come back. Well
I say we had a laugh ... I've
kind of figured it out now that Belgrave doesn't enjoy the other acts very
much - even when they're funny. He
takes it all so seriously .... He
was writing a very detailed blog of the evening ... Ceclia
Smart had a go at me (on stage) for posting on Chortle that Bruno
(her sprog's name) is a dog's name. I
said it is a dog's name ...the audience laughed ... she
said "No, it isn't. In East
Finchley Anthony's a dog's name" I
said "We don't have that class of dog in Croydon" which
got an even bigger laugh and destroyed her argument. People
shouldn't name their sprogs after bow-wows. Paulo
Ferrari decided to try and touch up the birds in the audience so I
pulled him off stage ... and put Elnaugh on ... who
stormed it so fantastically that the girls wanted to have their photo taken
with him ... Adam
Howe turned up late. Diva
Eve didn't turn up at all - does it exist? Same
old bollocks James
Sherwood turned up on spec ... |
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